From my journal entry on 05 07 2011

Continuing to share my journey of change and self discovery…

I grew up in a clan. In Iran extended families are very close and are an important part of the social structure. My grandparents had a large garden that was easily a block long with enough space for 5 homes and plenty of room and lovely trees for privacy. The garden was in Shemiran which is nestled in the skirts of Damavand mountain and has much cooler summers than Tehran; just a short distance south. Wealthy families lived in Shemiran during the summer months and commuted to Tehran for work and major activities. My grandfather and each of his four sons lived in one of the houses during the summer months.

My cousins and I had the run of the garden with its large fruit trees and many nooks and crannies to play and let our imaginations go wild. We were safe in this magical garden to disappear for entire days and play in our wonderful world of fantasy. Many nights we slept together in a row of bedding spread across the long porch at my uncle’s house.

My mother’s sister and her children also lived in a large garden, only a ten minutes’ walk from our house. They had a big swimming pool and we spent many summer days playing in the pool. All of my aunt’s seven children were at least  5 years older than me. It was my two older brothers that were their daily playmates. I was the play-thing that was passed around with love and attention. I felt very special. Both sets of grandparents lived close by which added to the attention that I got and the connection that I felt to my family. My mother was also raised with her cousins and she had very close relationships with them. I had more uncles, aunts and cousins that I could count and we spent a great deal of time with our extended family which to me was just family.

When we moved to America, we left everything and everyone behind. We now only had our small nuclear family that was uniting after 14 years. That was when my oldest brother came to America and my second brother followed him 2 years later. My two older brothers had already adapted to the American life style. They were both going through transitions in their marriages and each was raising a young daughter. My parents, especially my father wanted to keep the family net together. But it was very difficult to blend parts of a family that had been separated for so long, without the communication skills that was essential to reintegration.

I was 20 years old, here against my will, brooding over a love interest left behind in Iran and didn’t want any more time with my family than I had to. Once I was over my initial shock, I wanted to explore my new world and didn’t want to be constrained by the old world traditions and boundaries. Being with my family felt more like restriction than connection to me. My brother suggested to my parents that to have ongoing interaction with other students would speed up my integration into the culture and language. I was happy that although my family lived in Tampa, my parents agreed to enroll me for the campus housing at the University of Tampa providing I spend the weekend at home.

I lost even more of my ties to my original family after the Iranian revolution in 1979, which made it unwise to travel to Iran. Because of the revolution many of my family spread around the globe. Today, my first cousins live in Tehran, across the US, England, France, Australia and God knows where else, since I have totally lost track of many of them. Interestingly enough, it was through Facebook that I recently connected with my childhood friend and fist cousin Haleh in Tehran. For years the only news of her was through occasional phone calls with her brother Hamid who lives in California. Now she and her children as well as several other cousins are part of my daily life for which I am so thankful. But that is only a small part of my clan.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. This was my first one after mom returned to her Source in March. Magda and I spent the afternoon with Magda’s family at Titi Teresa’s house. I love my Puerto Rican family. Any reason is good enough to have a family get together with wonderful food and a lot of noise. The children playing, groups of people chatting, some watching the game on TV, a few outside in the big screen porch and many in the kitchen unwrapping food and getting things ready for the feast, was a beautiful, warm backdrop to an emotional mother’s day for me.

I thought about the first time I was introduced to Magda’s family. It was a pool birthday party for her little 2 year old niece Alexa. This was a significant day because not only this was the serious relationship step of “meet the family” but it was also the first time I was being introduced as a life partner. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. But Magda’s cool, open hearted sister Cindy was the first to make me feel at home. Then the rest of the family greeted me with interest and warmth. Magda had told me that they had already embraced other gay couples and cousin Shar had enjoyed this inclusive, loving family for 12 years already. But hearing it and feeling it were two different  stories. For the last 8 years, gathering after gathering and event after event, I have shared more and more experiences with my new family and have found my own place among them. I am Titi Afsaneh to my nieces, sister to Cindy, cousin to Astrid and piki mining to mom Elena.

Yesterday when we all held hands in a circle and sent up a prayer of gratitude, I stood between Shar and Magda. Around the circle I saw the familiar faces of the people that I have come to love. I listened to Titi Teresa, thanking God for this family gathering to celebrate the mothers among us; for the food that was abundant and for the love that passed through one hand to another. At the end of the gratitude prayer, I was hit with such strong emotions that it brought tears to my eyes. Shar felt me tremble and when we let go of hands, she held me in her arms and then I felt Astrid holding me from behind in her loving bear hug. Astrid told me that she would share her mom, Titi Teresa with me, and they don’t come much better than that. I was touched by the love and compassion, feeling blessed and grateful.

The warmth of this tightly bonded family is a reminder of my original family. In that circle, I was hit with a sense of grief, knowing that Mom was one of the last people in my daily life that connected me to a shared past and the memories of my people. She held the family stories that helped me remember my roots. Without her one more strand of that link is gone. On mother’s day I felt sad, even as I was overwhelmed with gratitude because God had given me another family to love and be loved by. With my mother gone and my son living on the other side of the country, in California, part of me felt lonely.  I didn’t only miss my mother and my son; I missed the clan that I was born into.

After the meal, Titi Teresa gave a gift and a card to all the mothers. For me, a beautiful watch bracelet which was chosen with much thoughtfulness. But even a more meaningful gift was the words that she wrote in the card.

“Afsaneh,
Please consider me like your mom. I know that nothing can replace her but, I’ll be honored to add another daughter to my list.
God bless you.
Mama Teresa”

I am not often able to identify the complex emotions that I feel when I go through events. When I am in it, I just experience what I feel without naming it. It is afterwards that I contemplate and verbalize the experience. Today, I spent most of the day in quiet. I often feel an energy drain after an emotional event. I woke up with allergy symptoms dragging me down. I rescheduled my appointment and went back to bed for a little longer. I felt better when I awoke but still didn’t feel much energy or motivation. I decided to follow where my spirit took me. I felt like watching another John McLaughlin’s  DVD. This one was about Manifestation and understanding the law of attraction in a greater depth. I was dosing during the question and answer, so I went back to bed for yet another nap. I guessed that my subconscious mind needed the sleep to bring forward a new awareness. I woke up at 3:00 pm with more energy and a desire to clean the kitchen!

As I fell in the flow and Zen of cleaning the kitchen, my mind wondered off to the family intense weekend. I began to understand and name the  feelings I experienced. I understood how I have always valued human bonds and that I learned to bond with others through my original family. In the years away from them, I created new relationships. I formed many loving and meaningful friendships, many of which still enrich my life and are the solid foundation of my life.  I thought about all the children that grew up with my son which still think of me as mom and call to wish me Happy mother’s day. I thought about my soul daughter, and my soon to arrive soul granddaughter and the love we have for another.

I realized that yesterday I mourned that another thread to my personal history was cut by my mother’s passing. But because of that loss, I feel even more appreciation and love for those in my family that I still have contact with, even if it is through phone calls, e-mails and Facebook. I am deeply grateful for my remaining siblings and their families that hold me safe in their love and carry the family history. I bless my friends who are as close as kin to me and give me strength when I cannot find my own. I celebrate Magda and my new family that has taken me in with so much unconditional love, as one of their own. And I count my blessings.

Afsaneh Noori